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type: website
title: My Bipolar Mom
description: Mental illness and drugs took her away from me. This is my story.
url: http://www.mybipolarmom.com/
site_name: My Bipolar Mom
image: https://s0.wp.com/i/blank.jpg
locale: en_US

• <H1> My Bipolar Mom
• <H2> Posts
• <H3> A Glimpse of Hope
• <H3> After my mothers stay at the hospital, my dad found her a rehab center in Arizona called The Meadows. I remember our family road trip taking my mom there; it was so vivid. It was Spring I think, and the sun was shining so bright in the vast desert we were driving through. Open road, beautiful rolling hills and cacti everywhere we looked. We were hoping this would be a new beginning. My sister and I rolled the windows down so hot wind was blowing in our faces. My dad decided to put on a song from Krishna Das, a Hindu singer. It was an upbeat, spiritual song that we all learned by heart with my dad’s help as we sang it. He turned it up all the way, and the lyrics made us feel alive with joy. Alive as a family in whole. Even my mom was singing at the top of her lungs. It was honestly one of the best moments I can remember as a family. I’m actually crying as I type this right now.
• <H3> She was there for a month. Once we got back home, my dad gave us the 411 on what actually happened at the hospital while my mom was there. I found out she was diagnosed with clinical depression and bipolar disorder. She was given multiple shock treatments in her stay, and we were warned that this could cause some short term memory loss. She would have to be on her anti-depressant, anti-psychotic, and mood stabilizer medication for the rest of her life. I remember picturing her in my head biting a rag and strapped down to the bed while they electrocuted her over and over. I felt sad for her.
• <H3> Once my mom finally got back from her rehab, she truly seemed different. She seemed more at peace. She explained that they had her practice yoga everyday, therapy sessions, clean eating, meditation, art therapy etc. She showed us a journal she wrote in every day, and told us she made many friends. My mom seemed happy, like there really was a light shining through of hope that things would get back to normal.
• <H3> Things were normal for a little while after. I had started high school and my mom started painting again. My sister was in junior high. And my father was back to working and out of town trips. Stability was there again, until it wasn’t anymore…
• <H3> Beginning of Darkness
• <H3> When my mother started having episodes, I was about thirteen and my sister around nine.  My dad’s business was going very well.  We were living in a gorgeous house with a pool, beautiful landscape and back house where my mom had her art studio. It was all amazing and we wanted for nothing.
• <H3> She started sleeping long hours around this time. Half the day usually. My sister and I didn’t think much about it, just that she liked to nap. She’d get slurred speech and groggy when she was awake. Things started to get scary. I will never forget when I was hanging out with her, she was telling me she saw “two of me” with her glasses on and off. In a slurred manner, she continued to tell me there was someone next to me and she didn’t understand.
• <H3> Of course when she was manic, which was monthly, we saw her in a whole different light. She was the best mother to us for a few days. She’d take us out shopping, out to lunch, take us exploring etc. Heightened energy and drive to spend money was what controlled her when she was on her high. Again, my sister and I thought this was a normal thing. Her manic/depressive episodes went on for a long time. She was abusing her prescribed anti-depressants, having regular delusions, and barely had a relationship with my father. Whenever I’d say anything to my dad about what I was seeing, he would just say “your mother is having a hard time right now”. We were in the dark about the reality of my mother’s sickness.
• <H3> A year later, my mom attempted suicide. I was in my  Ballet class and my grandmother comes rushing in to grab me. She said there was an emergency with my mom and ran out to take me home. For some reason, I have a fuzzy memory of what happened after that. We were never told she tried to kill herself. I just know that when I got home, my mom was at the hospital under psychiatric care. I don’t remember how my dad acted, or my grandmother when I got home. I really don’t remember anything which is strange. I do remember that a couple weeks later, my dad hired a nanny to take care of us full-time. He hired a Hindu nanny, who had us sing Indian bhajans(religious songs) on our way to school. She didn’t let us taste raw cookie dough before baking them. We were not a fan.
• <H3> Over the next four months, my dad tried everything his pocket could pay for to distract us. A few weeks after the incident when my mother was still in the hospital, he spontaneously flew us to the Bahamas for a week vacation. Distraction. He just wanted us distracted.
• <H3> The Backstory
• <H3> My childhood was actually great. Amazing really.  I grew up with my little sister who’s about 5 years younger than me. And my mother, she was absolutely beautiful. Her style was romantic Renaissance combined with goddess like new-aged vibe. She reflected the style of decor in our homes: beautiful angelic Renaissance(is that a thing?). She wore flowy dresses, curly highlighted long hair and porcelain flawless skin. Her passion was painting. She always had an art studio space somewhere in our home. Enya and Sarah McLaughlin played while incense was burning, setting a serene other-wordly tone to her space. And her painting always reflected that mood: angels, tunnel of light, Buddha, whirling dervish, etc. She lit candles in the house and always had a tranquil mood going on. She was spiritual, calm and practiced yoga. She was my idol.
• <H3> My father was a salesman, and very successful. He came from a very spiritually aware family who believes in the Eastern philosophy, yoga, meditation, etc. Sometimes I think my mother acquired her style because she knew it would be what my father wanted. But of course this is just a theory. Overall they both had a lot of love for each other growing up, and I saw that.
• <H3> We were usually moving around every year or so because of my dad’s sales business always fluctuating to different areas. Nomad family. But money was never an issue thankfully. We were fortunate, lived in beautiful houses and had great memories. We also traveled quite a bit growing up: India, Hawaii, Europe, Mexico. My dad believed traveling young would teach us the importance of discovering the world we live in. I feel truly blessed we were able to do that so young. As for being at the house, my dad was barely there. He was out of town frequently on business trips. When he came home, he’d close the office door to “decompress” with his video gaming. I knew my parents were having issues early on, but my sister and I would always gleefully talk them into making up having no idea the reality of what was going on.
• <H3> So, I really have no bad memories until about twelve years old. This was when my mother started having symptoms of major depression. And it just got worse from there.
• <H3> Why I’m here
• <H3> Welcome to my page, guys. I’m surprised I’ve never started a blog about my life. I’ve always told people I’ll have to write a story one day, but I think this will do for now.
• <H3> Let’s see, where do I start? I’m thirty years old, have a sweet three year old girl and married to an amazing guy. Thank God for him, seriously. I think having a family makes dealing with losing your mother a whole lot worse, especially knowing they could’ve been in your daughters life. And I say ‘losing your mother’ because that is the reality of my situation right now. No, she has not passed away. But I believe it is so very close to that feeling. And knowing she’s alive makes the guilt that much stronger. But anyways, holidays suck now. That is basically what motivated me to start this blog I think. This will be the second Christmas in a row that I have had no communication with my mother.  I tried everything in me not to get down this year for the holidays, but it’s definitely caught up with me.
• <H3> So firstly, I feel like this will be a good outlet for me to get my whole crazy dramatic story of my mom out in the open. I guess a way of processing things that are so stuck in my psyche; hopefully it will help me feel more clear and lighter in my head. Secondly, I truly want to reach out to you all who have similar stories of mentally ill loved ones. I wish I had a good way to feel supported in the comfort of my own home. I didn’t ever think about blogs out there. I really felt so alone with everything I went through. So yes, I want to help you all who are reading this that have family with mental illness: understand that you are NOT ALONE. It’s frightening, extremely heartbreaking and leads you to having to make difficult decisions. Life is anything but “normal” with mental illness. I have seen it first hand.
• <H3> So guys, bare with me while I take you on my life’s journey dealing with my mother. She was diagnosed with bipolar, clinical depression, agoraphobia and eventually started using Meth. Dual-diagnostic they call it. I will go back in time in chronological order so you will see how it all progressed to a very dark place. Whatever you get from this, wonderful! Even if it is simply entertaining. I will tell it all. Brace yourselves.
• <H2> Recent Stories
• <H2> Recent Comments
• <H2> Older Stories
• <H2> Index

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• mother10
• dad9
• started8
• family7
• home7
• sister7
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• remember6
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• january6
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• feel5
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• i’m5
• now4
• didn’t4
• time4
• life4
• december4
• house4
• father4
• never4
• year4
• posted4
• stories4
• hospital4
• after4
• down4
• tried3
• long3
• wanted3
• around3
• art3
• actually3
• everything3
• again3
• mood3
• reality3
• dad’s3
• story3
• alive3
• yoga3
• depression3
• going3
• help3
• business3
• anything3
• different3
• painting3
• right3
• light3
• because3
• bipolar3

• she was5
• was there3
• had her2
• all who2
• clinical depression2
• when she2